What It Actually Means to Submit to Your Husband

One of the biggest questions I faced going into marriage is one that many female Christ followers face: what does it look like to submit to your husband? There are a hundred different opinions on what submission means and how to do it, and many of those opinions can make women feel as though God views them as less than their husbands. If you are a woman and you have ever been made to believe this, let me start by saying this: you are in no way less than your husband, and anyone who truly knows the heart of God would agree.

Marriage is a beautiful, holy thing created by God to represent His relationship with the Church. It is about love, respect, and self-sacrifice, and there should never be a point when a wife gives these things to her husband but does not receive them in return, or vice-versa.

The Bible is so clear about what marriage is meant to be, so it really baffles me that people can get it so wrong, especially when it comes to the idea of submission. So let’s unpack this topic.

What does the Bible say about submission?

The primary verse that most people refer to when discussing a wife submitting to her husband is Ephesians 5:22-24. Before we get into it, a little bit of context might be useful:

Paul wrote his letter to the church in Ephesus while he was imprisoned. He started this church prior to being arrested on one of his many “mission trips,” as we might call it today. It was very new, as were most churches at the time, and it was largely comprised of Gentiles, so they knew very little about God right from the start. Paul wrote this letter as an encouragement to them, but also as a way to provide some guidelines for what living a life modeled after Christ should look like.

Naturally, he touched on relationships, since they do make up a very large part of our lives. Marriage, of course, is one of those crucial relationships, so Paul provided some instruction on what a Godly marriage should look like.

“Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.”

Ephesians 5:22-24 (NIV)

This verse is often interpreted to mean that husbands have the ultimate authority over their wives, in the sense that they basically have the right to be dictators within their homes. This could not be further from the truth. In order to fully understand what this verse means, you have to get technical. I love diving deep into words and language, so this is fun for me, but a lot of people don’t want to put the time and effort into actually deciphering what the Bible truly says. This is why so much of it gets so grossly misinterpreted.

Etymology of “Submit”

One of the most important things to remember when we study the Bible is that it was not originally written in English. The New Testament was written in Greek, and one of my favorite things to do when I study the Bible is to look up the etymology of words and what they meant within the context of the Greek language and the culture of that time. You can read some in-depth articles about the etymology of Paul’s use of “submit” here and here. For now, I’ll just give you the SparkNotes version.

In Ephesians 5:22, the Greek verb for “submit” is “hypotasso.” This is a military term that means “to arrange under.” However, outside of military use, it means “a voluntary attitude of giving in, cooperating, assuming responsibility, and carrying a burden” (Blue Letter Bible).

The Importance of the Middle Voice Form

More importantly is the fact that Paul used the middle voice form of this verb, which is “hypotassomai.” I am not a Greek scholar, so I have definitely had to do my research on this–especially since there is no equivalent to the middle voice form in English (which is probably part of the reason why this verse about submitting is so easily misinterpreted). I highly recommend reading this article for a simplified explanation of how the middle voice works. Essentially, it means that the subject of the sentence is acting upon itself.

Even if you know nothing about the Greek language, you probably understand that different verb forms can significantly change the meaning of a sentence. There is an important thing to note about Paul’s use of middle voice here: It is voluntary.

Paul never once implies that a wife should be forced to be in support of her husband, and the middle voice form of hypotasso makes that clear. Nothing in the Bible was written without deep thought or guidance from the Holy Spirit, so we know Paul’s use of this word in this particular form was intentional. He did not want to say that wives were to be subjects of their husbands. Rather, he was encouraging wives to be voluntarily supportive of their husbands and the leadership God anoints them with.

Submit vs Obey

Paul’s use of “submit” when addressing wives is different from other instructions to “obey.” In Ephesians 6, Paul instructs children to obey their parents and servants to obey their masters. The root word “hypo,” meaning “of” or “under,” is part of the Greek word for obey, “hypakouō.” This same root is used in hypotasso.

However, this does not mean that wives are in the same position as children or servants, because even though the root is the same, the entire word is not. This is a crucial point to pay attention to, because it solidifies the fact that wives are not below their husbands, meant to blindly follow, obey, and agree. Husbands and wives are not called to have the same type of relationship as a servant and master or parents and children. It is a uniquely different relationship rooted in respect and agreement.

The second part of the verb hypotasso is “tasso.” I love the definitions for this part of the word, because it actually means “to appoint mutually, i.e. agree upon.” This just reiterates the fact that this type of submission is, indeed, voluntary. A husband is not supposed to force his wife into anything that she does not agree with.

Paul’s idea of submission, in this context, is that a wife should be willingly positioning herself in a place of support for her husband and the guidance that God gives him as the spiritual covering of their family. Ultimately, if the husband is doing his job, then the wife is following God’s lead as He directs her husband.

Hopefully this provides a strong foundation for my primary point: a wife submitting to her husband is not about obedience or compliance; it’s about fulfilling her own anointed role within her family as a supporter (not subordinate) of her husband.

The Role of a Husband

Another crucial point in this conversation is the role of a husband, which conveniently gets left out in many messages about wives submitting to their husbands. Paul does not stop after telling wives to submit. Marriage is about both people doing all that they can to love and support one another, and Paul charges husbands to love their wives in the deepest way possible: as Christ loved the Church. The only way they can do this properly is to set aside their own will, their own wants and opinions, and listen to what God is saying.

Side note: I believe that part of a wife’s role in supporting God’s leadership through her husband is to hold him accountable when he starts to follow his own desires instead of God’s. A wife absolutely has the right to tell her husband that the way he is leading is wrong—remember, submission in this case is voluntary and mutually agreed upon! If the wife doesn’t agree, then I think that’s a good sign that both spouses need to go before the Lord and ask for more clarity, not for the husband to plow over his wife and force her to do something she doesn’t agree with. A wife’s submission is dependent on her husband’s willingness to follow God.

So let’s look at what Paul says about it in Ephesians:

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church—for we are members of his body. “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”

Ephesians 5:25-31 (NIV)

Paul says wives should submit to their husbands, but he also says husbands should be willing to die for their wives, to do everything in their power to keep their wives pure and holy and blameless. That is quite the charge, yet so many people want to stop with “oh, wives need to just submit to their husbands” and not talk about the fact that husbands should lift their wives up as the highest standard of holiness. And again, how can he do this without following God’s direction? Jesus loved the Church and died for us all because God told him to. It was under the direction of the Father that Jesus is able to love the Church as well as he does, and we are no different. We cannot follow God’s commands to love if we are not listening to and obeying Him.

Being the Spiritual Head

This is what is means to be the spiritual head. This is what is means to be a covering over your wife and family. It’s not about power or domination. It is about holding the responsibility of treating your wife just as Christ treats the Church, and to continually support and uplift her, pushing her to be exactly who God calls her to be and leading your entire family under his direction.

Husbands are called to be on constant guard, defending their wives from any attack by Satan and continuously listening for God’s voice. And his wife is called to place herself in a position where she can support him in that, which includes listening to God herself! The Lord can direct a husband through the wisdom of his wife, so don’t think for a second that He will only speak to a husband in regard to what the family should be doing. Sometimes the best way to support our husbands is to be in prayer—this ensures that you both hear from God and are able to agree on where He is leading you!

This is the relationship Paul is describing in Ephesians 5. It is not a call for wives to be like slaves and husbands like masters; on the contrary, it is a call for them to work hand-in-hand, supporting and uplifting each other in their unique, anointed roles in order to lead their family to where God calls them.

It is so important to have a solid understanding of what the Bible actually says about marriage (and everything else) so that you can live in the fullness of what God has for you. Whether you are a husband, wife, fiancé, or you simply hope to be married one day, remember that God wants you to be an equal to your spouse. Marriage was designed to be a beautiful, encouraging, unifying partnership that allows us to dive deeper into Him and the life He wants us to have. Do not let yourself be robbed of that because of a poor interpretation of the Word of God. Do the work to study and know exactly what it means, no matter the topic. I promise you it’s worth the effort!

All etymology research was done through Blue Letter Bible.

Source:

G5293 – hypotassō – Strong’s Greek Lexicon (kjv). Retrieved from https://www.blueletterbible.org/lexicon/g5293/kjv/tr/0-1/