Battling Perfectionism: Why do we strive to be perfect?

DISCLAIMER: I am not a doctor, psychologist, psychiatrist, or any other mental health professional. Anything stated here about the causes of perfectionism is based on my own experiences, research, and conversations with professionals and others. Please seek professional counsel if you struggling to overcome your own perfectionism or mental illness!

Battling perfectionism is something I have been working through for as long as I can remember. It was always a bit obvious in little outward ways, like needing to have the book at school that was in the best condition or having to load the dishwasher in an extremely precise way. I even had to get all the lines in the dirt to go the same direction when I would rake up the front of the barn after a long day’s work. There was something about having things in my life just so that gave me a little bit of peace.

Growing up, a lot of people teased me about these little outward expressions of perfectionism. I understand why they did, because really, what does it matter how rake lines look in the dirt? But it did become difficult for me to handle that teasing sometimes. All I wanted to do was explain why those things actually did matter to me.

Understanding Why

How do you tell your friends that you need the nicer book because if you take the one with torn pages, it will make the entire class harder for you? How do you explain to your little sister that the reason you get so upset when things in your shared room aren’t put away in just the right order is because it prevents that room from being a place of rest and peace for you? What do you say when someone questions why you broke down because you got a 92 instead of a 100 on your assignment?

These were things I just didn’t understand when I was younger. There’s no good way to explain those feelings, but even if there were, I don’t believe I even realized the cause of perfectionism in my life. It has only been over the last year or two that I have figured out at least part of why I seemed so crazy about such minor issues. While I’m no psychiatrist, I can now recognize the perfectionism in myself, and why it’s there.

What is perfectionism?

The American Psychological Association defines perfectionism as “the tendency to demand of others or of oneself an extremely high or even flawless level of performance, in excess of what is required by the situation.” I couldn’t have described myself any better than that. It truly is something that we put on ourselves, isn’t it? The situations we find ourselves in rarely call for such high expectations as what a perfectionist believes they do.

In what world would a barn need to have perfect rake lines in the dirt? It’s going to get walked over by horses and covered with hay just moments later. But I believed those lines were necessary. In fact, I rarely let anyone else doing the raking because I knew they weren’t going to make it perfect. I put these demands on myself to perform perfectly in every aspect of life, and it made me feel miserable most of the time.

The Cause of Perfectionism

What causes people to do this to themselves? Why does perfectionism even exist, especially when God has created this beautifully imperfect world in which we have so many examples of why “perfect” is never as it seems? In my research, I have found that there are a number of causes. It could be from mental illness, cultural factors, parental expectations, or even too much praise when you accomplish something. For me, the largest cause of perfectionism was an unstable environment growing up and, at the root of it all, fear.

The Perfect Storm

During elementary and middle school, my family was in a fairly constant state of, well, let’s just call it unrest. My dad was dying, my brother was working through severe mental illnesses, my grandmother had just received a dementia diagnosis, and my mom received a cancer diagnosis—it was a perfect storm. I never really knew what to expect when I got home, and I believe it was that lack of control and consistency that contributed to much of my perfectionism. Keeping everything else in my life in perfect order gave me a sense of peace and control.

After my mom passed away my sophomore year of high school, my life got flipped upside down so suddenly that it gave me a sense of emotional whiplash. How does one deal with that on top of the stresses of high school, puberty, and simply growing up?

The Perfect Mask

I can tell you now that I didn’t actually deal with it, I simply tried to mask everything. I worked so hard to keep it together on the outside. It would have been devastating to me for anyone to know how much I felt like I was dying. For years, I kept hearing how strong I was and how mature I acted for my age. Who was I to show people anything other than what I thought they expected of me?

Some version of that has probably been felt by everyone at some point. For some reason, we feel like everyone else gets to decide who we are, how we react, etc. Especially when we’re teenagers. So I really tried to hold it together. I wanted to be strong for my family, and I didn’t want anyone to look at me as if I couldn’t handle everything going on in my life.

Self-Imposed Expectations

The crazy part is that no one ever actually put those expectations on me. I put them on myself. Certainly people would have understood if a teenager who was grieving an immense loss didn’t have it all together. I know now how silly it was of me to think anything different, but in the moment, that was impossible to understand.

Looking back, I wish I had given myself the grace to feel everything—from the pain of losing my parents to the excitement of learning to drive. Instead, I built myself this little wall of strength and grace and perfection so that, hopefully, no one would have to see the true mess of things going on inside.

I don’t know if my little wall actually did what I wanted it to, but I felt like it did. I just had to make good grades, be perfectly behaved, balance every part of life without dropping a thing, and keep on smiling. That seemed to be enough to keep the mess on the inside at bay.

The Fear of Man

The truth is, that’s all it was ever really about: making sure no one saw my mess. I was (and still am) terrified of failing and letting people down. Some part of my brain has convinced the rest of me that no one could possibly love or want me if I didn’t continue to meet unreasonably high expectations.

Ultimately, the root cause of my perfectionism is fear of man. I want people to be proud of me and hold me in high regard. I want to be someone who can be counted on, and something inside of me has twisted that sentiment into the belief that no one will count on me if I am not absolutely perfect. The sad thing about this is that, one, it’s not true, and two, it shouldn’t matter. People learn to count on you because of the trust that is built through relationship over time, not through your performance. And ultimately, the only one you should be striving to please is God. He is the one we will be worshiping for all eternity, and it’s His view of us that matters.

Focusing On Eternal Life

The thing about perfectionism is that it focuses on what is not eternal: your performance, appearance, house, job. None of these truly mean anything—they are just momentary aspects of an eternal life. We forget what we are actually called to be perfect in when all of our focus is on the momentary. It makes us lose sight of the life God wants for us and the expectations He has given us. In a way, perfectionism is an extreme form of selfishness. It causes us to focus entirely on what we are doing and how we are doing it, which pulls us away from fully engaging with God and those around us.

That is not what He wants for us! He wants us to live an abundant life full of connection and love, not worrying about meeting worldly or fleshly demands. Recognizing the cause of perfectionism in our lives is just the first step to knowing the truth God has for us. When we actually understand who God has called us to be and what He deems to be perfect, it takes so much weight off our shoulders. Knowing His standard frees us from our own.

I will be unpacking what it actually means to be perfect, according to God, in my next post. Make sure to sign up for the newsletter so you don’t miss it! And let me know in the comments, is perfectionism something you struggle with? What factors do you think cause perfectionism to be part of your life?