Grieving Through the Holidays

The holiday season is here! Thanksgiving is in a few short days, and Christmas is right around the corner. While the love and laughter are beautiful things, it’s important to recognize if you are grieving through the holidays. At this point, I’ve lived through 13 holiday seasons without my dad, and eight without my mom. In that time, I’ve learned a thing or two about how to grieve and still enjoy the festivities. Keep reading to get three practical tips!

The Purpose of Grieving Is Your Own Healing

Full transparency: I love the holidays. Thanksgiving has always been my favorite, but I enjoy the entire holiday season. There is just something in the air that feels wonderful. It’s a time when my whole family gets together, and there is always so much joy and laughter.

I especially love Thanksgiving because it’s all about family and togetherness. I thrive on fellowship, and that’s basically the whole point of Thanksgiving. Then we get to move into the Christmas season when the world feels magical, so this season is like the gift that keeps on giving. It’s a really beautiful time of year.

But it’s also a really hard time of year, not just for me, but for so many people around the world. The holidays have the unique talent of highlighting all the people who are missing. They make you think of everyone you love who is no longer with you, and that can bring up a lot of emotions that don’t necessarily fit in with the joy of the season.

It’s Okay to Not Feel Happy

In my experience, what makes it even worse is the occasional feeling of guilt for not always being 100% present or happy. It can feel like I’m letting everyone else down in those moments, and I certainly don’t want to take away from their holiday cheer. But the fact of the matter is, that doesn’t really matter. Lately, I’ve really been working on accepting the fact that I do not have to be responsible for everyone else. It’s not up to me to make sure they’re happy and having a good time. It’s up to me to make sure I’m taking care of my heart and my healing. So, while I do love the holidays, I am trying to give myself grace to be sad throughout them, too.

Understanding What You’ve Lost

The first holiday season after my dad died was definitely a difficult one. Being ten years old at the time, I honestly don’t entirely remember how I felt. I have always been of the opinion that it’s the ordinary days and small moments that are often harder for me than holidays, so it’s those moments that I tend to feel more grief.

However, at Thanksgiving that year, as we went around the table to say what we were thankful for, I said something along the lines of, “I’m thankful I got as much time with my dad as I did.” Looking back, I think I was just trying to stay positive. I didn’t have the capacity to handle the fact that I was devastated he wasn’t there, so staying in a positive mindset was the best option for me.

For Christmas that same year, we took a big trip down to Disney World. My grandparents wanted to give us something special to make the first Christmas without dad a little easier. It was a great trip, and it definitely helped. Sometimes I wish I could go back to that and sit in a time when I didn’t have the ability to process everything, so I just didn’t. I could go to Disney and be okay for a little bit.

When Grief Gets Harder

I think one of the hardest parts of losing parents at a young age is that it actually gets harder the older you get. At ten, I didn’t realize the magnitude of what I had lost. At 15, when my mom died, I was just beginning to understand. Now, at 23, I have found that the last couple of years have been the hardest. I’m at a point where I am going through some of the most important moments of my life, and doing that without mom and dad is rough. Coming to the realization that I lost the chance to experience those moments the way they are meant to be experienced was not an easy pill to swallow.

Carrying all of that and then having to face the excitement of the holiday season can be so daunting. So, how do you work through those feelings at a time when the world is so full of joy and magic? How do you find a way to move through this season while giving yourself the grace to grieve what is missing? I can’t say I’ve figured it out perfectly, but I have a few thoughts.

 1. Give yourself the space to grieve (sometimes literally).

I have not always been good at allowing myself to really feel everything. I have a tendency to place the burden of everyone else on myself, and I often find myself prioritizing the healing of those I love before my own. It’s really just been in the past year or so that I have been intentional about working through my losses. I really want to allow myself the grace and space to continue doing that, even during the holidays.

I don’t know what that looks like exactly, but I do know that I don’t want to shut down how I’m feeling just for the sake of saving the season for everyone else. If I need to cry, I want to do that. If I’m having a great time and not thinking about my parents, I want to be okay with that. That’s another aspect that can make holidays difficult: sometimes we feel bad for enjoying ourselves when we think we should be grieving. The truth is, finding those moments of peace and laughter is part of the grieving process.

Physically Distancing Yourself

I want to give myself the grace and space to feel all of it, good and bad. I believe that sometimes, taking some literal space is a great thing to do. Remember how I said we went to Disney World for the first Christmas after my dad died? That was us taking space. And that’s perfectly fine to do. In fact, we went on a trip right at the end of the holiday season after my mom died, too. Sometimes getting away from the place they would have been with you is the best way to allow yourself to grieve during the holidays.

And as a final thought on this point, remember that it’s okay to say no. That’s an important part of taking space. If you can’t do the big gatherings and parties and events that you have always done before, that’s okay. You can say no to something if you know it’s going to be too hard for you this year. The holidays don’t have to look exactly the same as they always have. You’re allowed to do something different.

2. Find a way to honor those you’ve lost.

I love to make green bean casserole and mashed potatoes for Thanksgiving. Why? Because that’s what my mom would always make for the family dinner. Making those dishes makes me feel a little bit closer to her.

Mom and dad started a Christmas tradition with us where we would spend some time each night the week before Christmas and write down something good that we did for another person. On Christmas Eve, mom would put them all in a wrapped box, and we would open it in the morning before any other presents and read them out loud. They called it our birthday presents to Jesus. It’s a tradition we’ve carried on, and I plan to do it with my own kids one day.

Doing little things like this—things that carry my parents and their memory with me through this season—helps me to know that there is so much they left behind for me, and that makes it a bit easier. Honoring them makes the holidays a little brighter, because it gives me a chance to remember them in a way that I don’t normally throughout the year. In my experience, honoring someone you’ve lost is one of the best ways to feel close to them.

3. Don’t try to carry it alone.

It can be really easy to want to isolate during this time of the year. Seeing all the people and festivities can be a lot to handle, especially when you’re grieving. That’s why it’s okay to say no to things and to not do everything you did before.

That being said, I don’t believe that isolation is ever the best route to take. Finding someone, even just one person, to walk with you through this season is one of the best things you can do for yourself. I have been so blessed to have a big family, and now my husband, so I’ve never had to go through the holidays alone. But I’m also bad about not sharing my struggles, and that has been a real detriment to my healing process.

If I could give one piece of advice for grieving through the holidays, it would be to not do it alone. Confide in someone, lean on them, let them carry some of that weight for you. Even if you spend your entire Christmas crying in their arms, do it with them and not by yourself.

One of the worst side effects of grief is the loneliness you feel, even when you know others are experiencing loss too. So find someone who can be there for you and with you as you move through this season. You might still feel lonely, but I’d rather be lonely with someone than lonely and alone. And if you feel like you have no one, my email, DMs, and comments are always a place for you to find some companionship and encouragement.

Above all else, know that you can lean on God. I would not have made it through half of the holidays over the last 13 years without Him. He always knows the best ways to lift you up and make you feel whole, and I want everyone to experience that like I have.

All of this to say, there is no one way to grieve through the holidays. There is no special blueprint, no right or wrong, and honestly, no pain-free option. What works for me might not work for you, and it might take some time to figure out what does. Even so, I hope you feel encouraged knowing that you aren’t alone, and whatever it is you are feeling is okay.

I pray for anyone who is grieving during this holiday season, that you would be lifted up in a way you’ve never experienced before. May the Lord help you find moments of joy and peace, even if you think it’s impossible. I pray that you will be comforted, and that you would know that the Lord is with you and that He is walking beside you through it all.

I hope that everyone has a wonderful holiday season, even in the midst of grief, and that you are blessed with an abundance of joy, love, and peace!