Thoughts of a Newlywed: Navigating Holiday Family Dynamics
Background Image by Before the Foundations Photography
Do you have a horror story experience with your family? Are the in-laws exceedingly difficult? Does every family gathering feel like one of those holiday movies where the family has fight after fight or embarrassing moment after embarrassing moment with no end in sight?
If I am being completely honest, I can’t relate. My husband and I don’t often find ourselves faced with this particular struggle. That’s not to say our families are perfect by any means, and I definitely have some horror stories from various gatherings over the years. But when it comes to my marriage and navigating the new dynamics that come with combining two completely different families, I really do feel like I’ve had it pretty easy. The Lord has blessed us in that way, for sure!
Part of me feels like I shouldn’t even be writing about this, because I have fantastic in-laws and family gatherings tend to go remarkably well (even when both sides are present). Again, it has not been perfect. There have definitely been moments when we’ve had to reassess and figure out how to bridge the gap between two different families. But all-in-all, it’s been pretty darn good. That being said, I do know that this can be difficult for many couples to deal with (especially newlyweds).
Since we haven’t struggled too much with this, I decided to look at it from a different angle. Instead of asking myself what has gone wrong, I instead asked, “what are we doing well?”. Not perfect, but well. How have we managed to avoid so many of the difficult, cringy, embarrassing moments that families inevitably come with? I’ve only got a year of marriage under my belt, and there are those out there with a lot more insight, but it can be beneficial to hear different perspectives on these topics. I love to learn from those around me who have been married for 20+ years, but there is also so much wisdom and companionship that I gain from talking with my friends who are also in young marriages. So, while I am no expert, I hope you can find some value in my thoughts on how to navigate family dynamics throughout the holidays (and the rest of the year, if we’re being real here).
1. Understand that your spouse comes before everyone else.
This is arguably the most important point. As much as you might love and agree with your mom or brother or grandpa or whoever, your job is to support your spouse first. This is biblical, and it’s a crucial aspect of navigating family dynamics. Nothing that my family wants will ever supersede the life that my husband and I are trying to create together. It can be easy to want to default to whatever your families traditions are during the holidays and to fervently defend why they are important. They are important, but even more so are the traditions you create with your spouse and the honor you show towards each other as you create them. I want to make sure that I honor what my husband and I are creating before I defend what other family members created or want.
At the end of the day, your spouse is your primary family. They are the person you chose to spend your life with and vowed to love and honor no matter what. That means that no matter what your family traditions are, you have to make room to do what’s important to you and your spouse first. This often means making some sacrifices elsewhere, but those sacrifices will always result in a stronger marriage.
2. Create strong boundaries.
I can pretty much guarantee that every married person out there has probably received this advice! Boundaries are so important, not just in marriage, but in every aspect of life. I am thankful to have a family that is good at respecting boundaries for the most part, but that doesn’t make it any less crucial for Kyle (my husband) and I to be clear about what we are and aren’t okay with. Boundaries are ultimately what enable us to have lasting relationships. If we do not make our boundaries clear and strong, then eventually we will start feeling resentful towards those around us for continuously crossing lines that we never actually made clear to them.
This is something that I am definitely still working on (all my recovering—or at least almost recovering—people pleasers, you get me). It can be hard to set boundaries with the people you love, especially if it’s a new boundary. Marriage creates the need for lots of new boundaries. This plays into my first point about your spouse coming before the rest of your family; the boundaries you set will express to others whether or not you value your spouse and marriage above all else. So for example, I know that Kyle does not like to be out as late as I sometimes do. My family could stay up talking and playing games for hours, and I love to do stuff like that! But my husband’s social battery will run out long before mine will, and I have to be respectful of that. I’m not always perfect at this, but I am learning to be more aware of it. So a boundary for us is that we need to head home (or make sure that everyone leaves, if we’re hosting) by a certain time. Our friends know this boundary very well at this point. All Kyle has to say is, “well, it’s bedtime,” and our house is cleared out within minutes.
All of this to say, make sure you have conversations with your spouse about what your limits are as a couple, and then make those boundaries clear to everyone around you. Part of this also comes from knowing your family and how they operate (like knowing that my family likes to stay up later, and we tend to be a lot louder and rowdier than Kyle’s, which can also bring his social battery down faster). The stronger your boundaries are, the better you will feel going into a family gathering.
A great resource on this is the book Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life. You can find it here!
3. Figure out who handles what situations.
From what I’ve gathered, the general rule is that each person talks to their side of the family if an issue arises. So for example, if someone on my side of the family does something that crosses a boundary or upsets me or Kyle, then it’s my job to talk to them about it. But if it’s Kyle’s side of the family, then he talks to them. This helps to ensure that things are communicated clearly and with as little misunderstanding or offense as possible. I know my family—I know what makes them tick, what topics they are really passionate about, how they think, how they react, how they tend to perceive the world around them, etc. And Kyle knows his. He knows his family on a level I will probably never get to simply because he has spent literally his entire life with them, and the same goes for me and my family. This deeper knowledge makes it easier to handle certain situations. So, while this doesn’t have to be the case for every minor issue, I definitely think it’s smart to discuss major issues with your respective families, or at least don’t make your spouse face them alone!
4. Have a plan of action and make sure everyone knows what it is.
Okay, so this one is very holiday specific, and at the heart, it’s really about managing expectations. We live within an hour of all immediate family members, which I love. This means that, so far, we have been able to see both sides of the family for every major holiday. I’m sure this will change once we have kids, but for now, it’s working well for us. That being said, I’m sure anyone who makes multiple family visits for holidays will tell you that the key to doing it successfully is having a plan and communicating that with everyone involved. This will look different for everyone, and it might even be different every holiday (it usually is for us haha). No matter what the plan is, we try to make sure to have it figured out and communicated ahead of time, that way no one expects one thing and then gets upset when it doesn’t happen. For example, last Christmas we decided to spend Christmas Eve with Kyle’s family, and then we went to see my family on Christmas day. We had to decide on this ahead of time and then communicate with everyone to make sure we were all on the same page, otherwise there could have been a lot of issues.
Another important thing to note about this is that, ultimately, it’s up to you and your spouse what you do. You are now a family in and of yourself, and you are creating new traditions just for you. Sometimes that might mean that you aren’t going to do things the same way you grew up doing them, and that’s okay! You can make your plan, let your family know what it is, and stick to that (of course, still be courteous and willing to work with their plans and schedules—don’t take this as me saying you should just throw away everything your family wants to do!). I am sure this is especially true if you have children, and it’s something I want to be very intentional about when we have kids.
5. Be willing to give a LOT of grace.
Combining two families is one of the hardest things to do. A big struggle we have found in our marriage with this is that my family and Kyle’s family plan for things VERY differently. My in-laws love to plan ahead and know when things are happening, how, where, all the things. My family, on the other hand, is full of spur-of-the-moment planners. It’s rare when something gets planned more than a week in advance. Both of these are needed, in my opinion, and I feel like I’m personally somewhere in the middle. I love a good spontaneous moment, but when it comes to bigger events, I need a solid plan.
I have found that this is one of the biggest hurdles we have to get over when we are planning family events. My husband’s side of the family will often be asking for details before we’ve even started thinking about it while my side of the family will wait to figure it out a week or two before the event. These drastic differences can sometimes result in the two of us being frustrated for one reason or another, and I’m definitely learning that when it comes to family, you have to give a lot of grace. There’s no way for us to expect either side of the family to suddenly change the way they operate, so we just have to find a way to meet in the middle. I think we did it well this past Thanksgiving; we had both sides of the family get together for one big dinner, and it was wonderful! But it only happened because we all had grace for one another and understood that it’s a lot of people with different schedules and preferences.
A big part of this is also communicating with the whole family about this (if you hadn’t noticed yet, communication is the underlying theme of everything I’ve said so far haha). We have to make sure that both sides of the family understand these differences and are willing to give grace for it. I’m so thankful to have family that is always willing to do this and doesn’t get upset. It is par for the course to have to deal with this kind of stuff when two people get married, and I would hope that most families understand that and try their best to make it work.
Whatever your family situation looks like this year, I hope that you have moments of joy, love, and laughter with those you love most this holiday season! Remember that difficult moments will inevitably arise, but it doesn’t have to ruin the happy moments. Always approach family events as a united team with your spouse, communicate clearly with everyone involved, give a lot of grace, but always stand firm in your boundaries. And if you have any other tips for navigating family dynamics during the holidays, leave them in the comments!
Until next week!
