How to Manage Loneliness During the Holidays

There’s nothing like the holidays to make you realize how alone you are, am I right?

A couple of weeks ago I wrote a post about grieving through the holidays, and in it I was really focused on grieving the loss of a loved one. But let’s be real, that’s not the only type of grief. You can grieve over so many things, but I think something that we don’t always recognize as being a type of grief is loneliness. Now, I’m no therapist or psychologist, and I don’t know any of the technical classifications, but I do truly believe that loneliness is a type of grief, or at least, it stirs up grief within us. But it’s not the same as losing a loved one—yes, that loss might be the starting point for feeling alone, but loss and loneliness are not the same, and they shouldn’t be treated as such.

The holidays, as happy and joyful as they are, truly do bring to the forefront so many feelings of being alone for many people. I have certainly been there. I went through a season of loneliness for a couple of years at the end of college and right after. I had a major shift in my life where I went from having the same group of friends since elementary school to us suddenly falling apart, and for a while it felt like I truly had no one. Sure, I had my family, but I was lacking true friendship. I would often find myself sitting with my now-husband, weeping to him because I felt so alone. I had no other girls to rant to about pointless complaints, go shopping with, talk to about my upcoming wedding, or process challenges I was facing. It was a difficult season, and the holidays made it especially hard because it’s a time when gathering together is the norm. So what happens when you feel like you have no one to gather with?

I want to share some of the things I’ve learned about this, but first I want to acknowledge that there really isn’t an “easy” fix to this issue. Being lonely is awful. Period. There’s not much we can do to change that. However, I do believe there are some keys to being able to get through the holidays (and life in general) when you are in a season of loneliness, as well as being able to maximize what you learn in that season.

 1. Gain a deep understanding of why you are lonely.

This is a crucial first step to tackling your loneliness, especially in the context of the holidays. What is it that is making you feel lonely? Are you in a situation like I was, where you don’t have a solid group of friends to celebrate with? Are you longing for a spouse or significant other, and seeing everyone else with that kind of relationship during this season is amplifying your own desires? Do you struggle with mental health, and as a result feel alone even if you’re surrounded by loved ones? Have you recently lost someone, and the only person you want to be celebrating with is them right now? Whatever the reason, it’s important to take some time and assess this. If you’re struggling with mental health, your plan of action might be drastically different than someone who is longing for a partner. So take some time to look inward and find the root of your loneliness, and then go from there.

That being said, the rest of these tips will hopefully apply on a universal level!

2. Recognize that your loneliness could be a blessing in disguise.

We, as humans, are so quick to welcome the negative thoughts and feelings during times of difficulty. It’s just so easy to do. Recognizing that there might actually be something positive is not only difficult, but sometimes off-putting as well. Why would I, at a time when I am feeling completely alone, want to take a step back and say, “you know what, this is actually good for me”? That’s just not something we ever want to do, if we’re being honest. That’s why it’s hindsight that’s 20/20. We usually don’t take the time to recognize the good until after we’ve already made it through the difficult stuff.

That being said, I think we’d be doing ourselves a favor if we took the time to recognize the blessings that can come from loneliness (or any other source of pain) while we are actually in it. Recently, as I’ve started making new friends again and finding a group of girls to spend time with, I’ve been able to look back at all that time I spent feeling so lonely and see want I gained from it. But I’ve also been thinking, what if I had looked for this good back then? I could have capitalized on that season of life so much more had I taken some time to look up from my despair and realize that God was actually doing something for me. If I had known then what I know now, I would have taken all of that desperation for friendship and sought after the Lord with it. All that time, He had been positioning me for the season of life I am in now; I wish I had taken time to truly accept that a blessing was going to come and started listening then for what the Lord was trying to teach me. (If you’d like a more in-depth post on the lessons of loneliness, leave a comment on this post to let me know!)

3. Allow yourself to feel it.

I do believe in the benefit of looking for the good, but don’t get me wrong, because it is equally as important to actually let ourselves feel the pain of loneliness. My church is currently in a sermon series called “Pray, Praise, Lament,” during which we have been studying the book of Psalms. A crucial aspect to the Psalms, and to life, is lamenting. I highly encourage you to listen to this week’s message on lament (you can find it here) if you don’t have a great understanding of just how biblical it is to actually allow yourself to feel your pain and even question God about it.

David’s psalms are such great examples of how to be lonely in a healthy way. One of the first things he always does is recognize what he is feeling and then tell God about it. So many times in his psalms, David just sits in the fact that everything is going horribly wrong for him. He was betrayed, exiled, and left completely alone. The most beautiful thing to me about his situation is that he isn’t afraid to say how horrible it is. He doesn’t just busy himself with other distractions, nor does he only express how God will lead him out of it (he does do this, but it’s not all he does). He is intentional about feeling every emotion, good or bad.

We have to do that, too. We live in a world that makes it so easy to find a distraction, and then we wonder why we are never able to feel better in the long run. But here’s the real truth: you will never get past your loneliness if you don’t take a minute to slow down and recognize that you are lonely and hurting because of it. Recognizing our pain, and even lamenting about it, is healthy. We have to have a balance between hoping for the future and hurting in the present. So if you haven’t given yourself space to really feel your loneliness, I encourage you to do that. It might not feel great in the moment, but you will be able to move forward healthier and stronger if you take the time to accept how and why you are hurting.

4. Move outside of your comfort zone.

This is probably one of the most actionable tips I have, yet it is also the most difficult for me, personally. I love my comfort zone. Like, I truly love it. I am that person who orders the same thing every single time I go to a restaurant. I have been using most of the same makeup products since high school, I would rather stay home every night for the rest of my life than have to go somewhere by myself, and I am simply not one to seek out new things to try. Do I love to try new things? Sure, if I’m with someone I know and trust and have been reassured about a million times that I will like it.

I also hate having to start conversations. I love talking to people; that’s honestly one of my favorite things to do. But if I have to initiate the conversation with a new person, I will do everything in my power not to (which is a bit ironic now, seeing as how part of my job is to get new people at our church connected…that’s how I know God has a sense of humor haha).

All of this to say, going outside of my comfort zone is a huge no. This wound up being a detriment to me when I was feeling so alone, because this mindset makes loneliness so much worse. I wanted nothing more than to make new friends, but I was so terrified of putting myself out there. The thought of approaching someone I didn’t know and starting a conversation, let alone initiating a friendship, was almost as bad as the loneliness I was feeling. Doing that was so far outside of my comfort zone. But after while, I realized that if it was something I wanted, then I had to make it happen. No one was going to do it for me. I had to muster up some courage and take that oh-so-difficult step out of my little bubble in order to start creating new relationships.

And you know what? It worked! I have some amazing friends now, but that would never have happened if I hadn’t found it in myself to get over the fact that I was uncomfortable. So, whatever it is that is keeping you from taking that step, find a way to muster up some courage and push past it. Whether it’s being uncomfortable with talking to new people, asking someone out, going to therapy, or whatever else it is that might actually help you with your loneliness—just take that first step. Go to that holiday party you were invited to, call that number, make that appointment. Move outside of your comfort zone and into your opportunity to tackle your loneliness head-on.

5. Seek fellowship with the Holy Spirit.

This is by far the greatest lesson you can learn when you’re lonely. God has gifted the Holy Spirit to us, yet so often we ignore it. Holy Spirit is God’s way of always being with us, no matter how alone we feel. The Bible tells us repeatedly to have fellowship with the Holy Spirit, and doing that will get you through a season of loneliness better than anything else. In John 14, Jesus tells his disciples about the Holy Spirit, explaining to them what the Spirit will do for them. He tells them that the Spirit of truth will be an advocate for them, and that he will “be with you forever.”

Jesus promised to leave behind a constant companion, advocate, and guide for us to keep with us. He promised not to leave us alone, and of course, as a man of his word, he gifted the Holy Spirit to us. So, in times of loneliness, we have to remember that we have this incredible friend who is always with us. The trick is that we must continuously fellowship with Him. How can you feel connected to someone when you put no effort into maintaining a relationship with them? It’s easy for us to say, “well, God just isn’t here with me. I don’t feel Him, I don’t see Him, and I never hear Him. He isn’t here.” I have definitely been there! Sometimes it really does feel that way, especially when nothing in your life is changing. God must not be there for you if He’s not making anything happen, right? I can’t tell you how many times I’ve thought that. Looking back, I can see that all the moments when I felt that way were times when I wasn’t seeking Him to the fullest. I had no fellowship with the Holy Spirit. I wasn’t relying on my constant companion.

I want to be really clear about something before I continue with this: having relationship with God does not mean He is going to move in your life how you want and when you want. Relationship with Him is not about sending up a to-do list and expecting it to be completed. It’s about love, support, encouragement, and trust. Fostering a relationship with the Holy Spirit allows you to have faith in the fact that He will work things out exactly when they need to happen. It won’t always take your human feelings (like loneliness) away at the snap of your fingers, but it will give you space to breathe and realize that those feelings won’t last forever. It will give you opportunity to seek truth deeper than what this world can offer (which, at least for me, can sometimes fall by the wayside when I have plenty of tasks to do and people to see). If you approach a relationship with the Lord as if it’s a request form to be submitted, you will always be disappointed in the results.

So how do you seek true, meaningful fellowship with Holy Spirit, particularly during seasons when you are very lonely and might be feeling like God is anywhere but with you?

Spend time in prayer and worship.

I know, I know. This one might seem cliché or overdone. But truly, it’s one of the simplest and most effective ways to draw near to Him. The Bible tells us time and time again the importance of drawing near to God, especially through prayer and worship. Psalm 145: 18 says, “The Lord is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth” (NIV). When we call on Him, whether in our silent prayers or shouts of praise, He is near to us. In those moments, there is often this tangibility of His presence, and that is the greatest cure for loneliness that I have found.

Obey the calling He has placed on your life.

The Lord is with those who obey Him. It’s a very simple truth, yet we often struggle greatly with it. Obedience is key to having true fellowship with Holy Spirit. When He prompts you to do something, do it! Even when it seems scary, that is usually when you will feel His presence and guidance more than any other time. Just take, well, basically anyone in the Bible, for example. Every time they followed God’s call, He was with them and provided for them every step of the way. This was the case for Moses leading the Israelites out of Egypt, for David when he was in hiding from Saul, for the disciples as they started the Church, and so many others. Obedience to the Lord will always result in deeper fellowship with Him. Sometimes it’s simple, like following His command to love everyone always (which, I say is simple, but for some reason we really struggle with it. What’s up with that?); other times, it might be a huge leap of faith (like leaving a job with no promise of another, just as a personal example). Either way, following His call will draw you near to Him, and when you’re feeling lonely, that is exactly where you need to be. And who knows, maybe His call will lead you to some great new friends.

Loneliness is a challenge that far too many people have to face, for a number of different reasons. As we move through the rest of the holiday season, loneliness might become amplified for many of you. Be encouraged, from someone who has been there, that it does get better. Allow yourself to feel the pain while also seeking some piece of good, take a step outside of your comfort zone, and draw near to the Lord. He will guide you through this season if you let Him. I am praying for everyone who is facing this challenge right now and asking the Lord to take an extra step closer to you in your hardest moments. As always, my DMs, comments, and email are always open.

Until next week!